on my mind

i've been thinking about love a lot lately, and what it means to have it, to find it, to feel it, to lose it. there are those we love who, when lost, are irreplaceable. there are others that we leave, or who leave us, who we try to replace without even thinking. its just what you do. you lose a grandma, you don't go looking for someone else to fill that void. lose a boyfriend...well, if you give up on ever finding a new one of those again you might as well just accept your fate as a cat lady.

i've been handed a lot of shit this year, but i finally feel my life falling back into place again. that doesn't just happen by itself. it comes through love. when things become their darkest, its heartening to know you have people around you to care. a mother and best friends to help you through a break up, family to be there for you through a death in the family, a brother to hold your hand through the funeral service. through these most difficult times, i have become closer to so many, and i'm so very grateful for that. i guess that would be the silver lining. i'm happy i can finally find one.

i am aware of how infrequently i have written in this blog over the last few weeks. this used to be my release, where i let out all the silly ridiculous thoughts that roll around in my head all day long. but lately i have wanted to keep those thoughts to myself. i don't think you would be interested, and i've been too scared to see what would happen if i tilted my head and let them all pour out. i want to send a big thank you out to everyone who has sent me emails and facebook notes and love. i am deeply thankful that you are in my life. i am turning a page. i finally see light at the end of this long dark journey that has been 2008. in just a few months, a new year will start, and i'm looking forward to a fresh start.

speaking of fresh starts, as i contemplate all this love and loss stuff, i can't help but wonder (thank you carrie bradshaw) how soon is too soon to jump back in again?

stay tuned.