some thoughts on marriage and an epic generation gap

last friday, my family piled in to our suv and headed south, to spend a week at my grandfather's house, as we do every year. but this year was slightly different. it was the first time i had been back since my grandmother passed away in september.

now, my grandfather lives alone in a big house filled with furniture, photos, knick knacks and other things purchased and arranged by my grandma. he has a new companion -- a 10-year-old westie terrier named carly -- but it is clear he is lonely. it's not surprising, considering he spent all of his adult life married to my grandmother. and when i say all i mean ALL.

my grandpa met my grandmother as a teenager, and they married when he was 17 and she was in her early twenties. now, when i tell him my boy problems, he looks at me like i'm an alien because i know -- and date -- men my age and older who don't want to get married yet and i don't want to get married, quit my job and have a man take care of me. i'm not exaggerating. these concepts are all foreign to him. the generational gap between his life experiences and what has become normal and commonplace in the new millennium seems too large a gulf to cross.

i have long felt like a disappointment to my grandparents because i failed to nail down a man early in my life. generally, this fact doesn't bum me out too much. i'm pretty happy where i am in the life that i have built for myself. but last spring, as i complained to my grandfather about my trouble finding a job he suggested i simply find a man and give up on the job search altogether. i'll admit the idea of finding a sugar daddy to help whisk away all my troubles has crossed my mind, but it's not like wealthy older men are exactly lining up to slip that ring on my finger. in fact, all the men i've dated since all way back to college were pretty averse to marrying me. i really know how to pick 'em!

i kid. basically, marriage and marriage potential is not as important to me as it is to my grandpa. i would rather focus on compatibility, humor, compassion, companionship. is marriage becoming more important to me the older i get? absolutely. that doesn't mean i'm ready to be married now or even sometime soon.

i had a very serious boyfriend in high school and college. we dated nearly five years and had our future planned. we broke up because he became too possessive and jealous as our long distance relationship drew into its fourth year and the distance between us became cavernous. i often think about what would had happened if we had gone to different colleges closer to each other, if we had fought less or if one of our failed attempts at reconciliation had stuck. what if we had never broken up? what if i decided to put up with the drawn out fights and jealous rants? we'd probably be married now, or maybe divorced. i'm sure there are women my age who have stayed in relationships like that, out of comfort, love, fear of being alone or any other number of reasons. i'm glad i'm not one of them. i may be unmarried, but at least i have experienced other relationships, dated, been single, nursed more than one broken heart and discovered myself.

what's sad to me about my grandfather's decision to eventually remarry again is that i don't think he ever had the chance to live the life that i -- and many of my contemporaries -- have chosen. yes, his life has been amazing and filled with love and family and happiness, as well as loss. but he never had the chance to discover himself as an adult without a wife and kids. i'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, i just think that now that he's ready to meet and marry someone else he should first take the time to learn about himself, what he wants and needs, what he loves and what's important to him in a companion. he may want to rush into the next step because he has limited time left in his life, but i think that just makes it all the more important.

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my last night on vacation with my family, we all went to my uncle's house for dinner. as we sat down, my grandfather continued to complain about eating too much and packing on some pounds since we had arrived. i asked him why he had been so weight obsessed the whole time we were there.

"he's doing it because his girlfriend wants him to slim down," my uncle said, referring to a woman who lives in connecticut who my grandfather talks to on the phone daily.

my grandfather eyed me sideways. "everyone's calling her my girlfriend," he said. "she's not. i'd like to go out with her on one date first. but its too soon. i want to wait until october at least."

i told him i had noticed he had been dropping her name a lot in conversations. "when i am dating someone, i know i really like them when i try to sneak their name into every conversation," i told him.

he told me he was talking about her so we would all get used to the idea of him having a girlfriend, reiterating the fact that he didn't want to stay single for the rest of his life. he wants to remarry -- and soon. although he didn't say whether he wanted to marry this particular woman, he has never mentioned any other woman. he said he didn't think some people would like the idea.

i wanted to tell him that i think he needs to find himself and put himself first and not put so much emphasis on finding a wife but on finding a good companion. but in the end, i couldn't give dating and life advice to a man 50 years older than me. "not everyone is going to be happy about it," i squeaked. "but if that's what you want to do, you have to do it and we'll either support you or not. you can't make everyone happy."

in the end, for all my romantic experience , or lack thereof, that is the one thing i actually know: you can't make everyone happy, so you might as well at least be happy yourself.