is this it?

i guess with the birthday and the winter doldrums i've been thinking about this a lot ... is this what my life is really supposed to be like? did 18 years of school and countless hours of studying and tests and all that lead to this job, this career, this routine, this life?

then i saw it in another friend's blog. similar contemplation and very well laid out. but not really reaching a conclusion. i doubt i can either.

but this is my life: i wake up every morning hating the fact that i have to get out of bed. i grumble as i watch the today show, curse the subway and the stupid people who squish in to that tiny tube with me. i go to an office and sit on my butt all day doing exactly the same thing, with very little variation, every single day. then i get back on the subway and head back to brooklyn, eat dinner, watch tv, go to bed. rinse, lather, repeat.

i have to think that i am not destined for such mindless repetition. i'm going to work every day until i can get enough experience to ... what? get a job at a blog or magazine that would allow me to work from home, set my own hours, or at least sleep past 8 a.m.? find a few freelance gigs that will allow me to set my own hours and work on my own time? write a book and live off the royalties?

new york is full of writers, artists and actors who fill the coffee shops and book stores from 9 a.m. until 5 p.m. when the rest of the world is busy earning an honest wage. i have to believe that not all of them are living off a trust fund. so how do they survive? night jobs?

when i was having job trouble last summer, i have to admit i considered leaving it all behind for the more amanda-friendly hours of a waitress or bartender. i wouldn't mind walking dogs, or working at a doggie spa, or waiting tables at a coffee shop or tending bar. but it would get old. i knew i would not be happy living like that for an indefinite amount of time. i would have to know that my talent and abilities and my $128K college education (which cost much more in time, stress and familial angst) was not going to waste.

i think if i was working at my "dream job" i wouldn't be contemplating this. if i was jetsetting to movie premieres, rubbing elbows with celebrities and watching tv for a living i would be as pleased as punch with where my life was going. but the thought of covering bankruptcies and 401(k) law suits for the rest of my career frankly bores me to tears.

don't get me wrong. i love my company and my job makes me happy. i just don't see the point. yes, experience up the wazoo. i know i'm a better and more efficient writer now. maybe you've even noticed the quality in my blogs going up? (when i have time to sit down and really write them from the heart) but i just don't know how many days in a row i can wake up at 7:30, how many times i can forget to shampoo my hair because i'm half asleep, how many stories i write starting with "an appellate court affirmed" until i really lose it.

sometimes i fantasize about convincing my boss to send me to live in london or brussels to be the "european correspondent" for the newswires. there is something glamourous about living abroad, yet when it comes down to it i would rather be there as research for a book or working for an entertainment mag.

another blog i read on a consistent basis asked this question recently: (it has a multiple choice poll at the end of every entry for readers to vote on) "what part of your life are you most proud of?" the answers to choose from: work; money; love; friends; or family.

while i love my family and feel closer to them than ever, i can't say i'm particularly proud of our relationship. money is a no brainer: i make very little, spend more than i can afford to and don't save enough. friends is a tough one because i would love to be most proud of that, but can think of very few times in my life when that was really the strongest part of my life. right now i'm kind of in desperate need of more friends, but i've almost always felt like that, except for a few years in college.

that just leaves work and love. from my babbling over the uncertainties of my current career path, i bet you can guess which one i'm leaning towards. that makes me very, very afraid. it makes me feel like a shallow girly girl who leaves all her friends behind in the wake of her fantastic (to her) boyfriend. god i hate those girls. but yet, i feel like that's what i've become. and i'm so proud of what i have in that realm of my life, it is the best thing i have going for me. so why do i feel so guilty about that?

a few months back i decided that there were other things in my life that were more important to me than a brilliant career. love, for example. my family and starting a family of my own. making and keeping new friends, and maintaining old relationships. somehow, in the draining monotony of my daily routine, which unfortunately centers around my job, i forgot about those other things. i'm sad that i need to spend as much time as i do earning my paycheck, because it makes me obsessed with that part of my life when in reality i would rather focus on other things.

thats why i need to find a new way to subsist, eventually. something that takes up less of my time, but still keeps me busy, happy, and keeps my bank account in the black. it seems to me, given my experience and abilities, that writing a book or working freelance are the best options for my future. but i have no idea how to go about doing either of those things. but i'm in no rush. i'll get there soon enough.

i just have to make sure that my current routine doesn't run me into the ground. and i have to keep reminding myself of what is most important to me. because in the end, not having the dream job or dream career would not cause me as much regret as not having spent enough time with those who matter most to me in life.