i'm back

i have taken a sabbatical from blogging here, but i promise you internet, my reasons are sound!

main reasons (in no particular order because i can't be bothered to rank them): i'm tired/overworked, i have nothing to say and i'm scared. let me explain.

on being tired/overworked:

for the past few months i have been working as the editor of a blog for mediabistro.com, and it has pretty much consumed my life. it has been hard work and i've logged a lot of hours, but i'm not really sure how well i'm doing at it. i am worried that i suck. i get a few glimpses of promise -- climbing page view numbers, links from rival blogs, emails from important people calling me snarky -- but i am a perfectionist who is constantly beating myself up for not getting enough new news, not reporting breaking things fast enough, misspelling names and generally not adding anything to the conversation. i've been doing it for two months, so yes, it will get better and easier -- hopefully. but i just wish i didn't feel like a MAJOR FAIL 98% of the time. i am still pretty proud of the fact that i can produce as much content as i do, and i try often to include original information, quotes and insight. so you should definitely check out the site if you haven't already. and if you haven't already, consider yourself on my shit list.

the overwhelming responsibility of creating content for a blog like FishbowlNY five days a week has generally taken over. even though it is not a full time gig, i have had to treat it that way, because i just don't know how else to handle such a workload. as a result, i have lost the ability to think on my own. i don't have the wherewithall to stop and think and develop my own opinions for the site, so i have even less bandwidth to do it on my own blog. i expect this will get easier as well.

lastly, i have been worried sick about opening myself of up ridicule. with one blog post i became pretty visible and i can't say that its a position that i'm happy to be in. i don't mind the publicity, if it will drive traffic to FishbowlNY and get me more freelance work (which i guess is the point) but i've always been reluctant to open my personal life up to the world. i have posted personal pictures and stories on this blog since i started it almost 4 years ago, but until i picked up amandaernst.com earlier this year, i made sure the blog never showed up in google searches, so basically the only people who would stop by would link to me through facebook or through a blogroll on a friend's blog. (number of times the word "blog" was used in the last sentence: 4) now, this page is on my business cards, and there are links to it in even the most unlikely places. its a new experience for me, personally and professionally.

i can take the professional criticism. it stings, but i'm new and still learning and i want to know what people really think. sometimes it's hard to cut through the snark and the bullshit to get an honest critique or advice, but how else am i supposed to get improve? however, if it comes to it, i will not be able to stomach personal criticism about my looks, weight or life choices. that will definitely make me cry.