freaked out

i have been living alone for the past three weeks, and i haven't really been afraid to be here on my own once since the very first night. tonight, coming back from a friend's apartment a few doors down, i noticed a bent bobby pin underneath my front door lock. it was suspect, and i had not noticed it there before -- although, admittedly, it might have been there for days.

what would one use such an implement for? well, presumably, breaking and entering. my heart started pounding, but i cautiously opened the two front doors and made my way upstairs.

now would probably be a good time to explain the kind of building that i live in. i know i have sort of explained it before. picture a long skinny house with four floors, underground basement to third floor. i live on the third floor, which is accessible through a door way on the second floor that leads to a small foyer and a staircase. my front door is up the stairs, but there are two other doors in the foyer that lead to the second floor apartment, which is the top floor of the duplex on the bottom half of the house. the second floor is where that apartments' bedrooms are. the first floor houses their kitchen and living room. they also have access to the basement and backyard.

if someone were to break into the foyer, they could choose to go up the stairs or through one of the other two doors, into the downstairs apartment. i worried that was anyone foreign in the building, not just my apartment. even if they were downstairs, when they got done in there, they could try to come upstairs, where only one lock barred their way. i was freaked out.

i carefully made my way upstairs and left my front door open while i searched through all the rooms and closets in my apartment (the easier to escape!). fortunately, there are not many places to hide in my apartment, so i soon realized that there was no one in my apartment and the coast was clear. i'm still a little freaked out, though, and feeling very vulnerable.

living alone can be scary sometimes. what if you slip and fall in the shower? what if you choke on a piece of food? its always a gamble, and you hope that you can fend for yourself or at least have loved ones who talk to you frequently enough to raise an alarm if they don't hear from you in a couple days. maybe this is a pessimistic world view, but right now i am slightly frightened and wishing i had someone to sleep next to me tonight. even if it was in the next room.