back to basics

so tomorrow marks one year since this whole crazy thing with my sweetie started...kind of big deal, right? well for me it is.

so what am i doing right now? sitting at my apartment alone, watching bridget jones and generally wasting time the way i used to in college. i didn't think there was anything wrong with it then, so why do i feel so useless and lonely when i do it now?

for one, in college i lived with my best friend. even when we were just hanging out around our apartment we were hanging out together, so i didn't feel lonely unless she (or one of my other roommates) wasn't home.

now, even though i no longer live alone, i'm not best friends, or even so much friendly with my roommate. for example, she was home at her parents all week and i had no idea! i suppose if it was the two of us hanging around the apartment i would feel less lonely, but i'd still feel unproductive. and if her bf was here, i'd just be miserable.

so ever since i've moved out of my parents when i went to college, i've lived with my best friend. since i moved to nyc, i haven't. when i spend time at matt's i am hanging out with my best friend, so i feel better about myself. i like company, i like companionship, i like someone else's presence, even if we're not speaking. i think that's why living by myself was so hard for me.

but he is different. he enjoys living alone and likes his "space." that doesn't hurt my feelings, it just makes me find things for myself to do. i try to spend time with friends as much as possible when he's out of town...and i don't really mind eating dinner alone and all that stuff every once in awhile, but i enjoy being around people, be they roommates, friends, boyfriends, whatever.

i think my loneliness has gotten worse recently because i'm lonely at work all day long. i had so many good friends at forbes, i even sat right next to someone, so i never felt alone. but my new job is so isolating. yes, we all sit in one big room, but no one ever speaks to me. and sometimes i find myself speaking out loud and everyone ignores me. i feel like the outcast and it makes me feel insecure. are they talking about me? are they judging me? what are they saying about me?

it feels like high school again.

so being the odd man out eight hours a day isn't so bad if you have something to do afterwards, during the rest of your life. it seems like lately i have had no shortage of people to hang out with, which i am loving. but after that, going to my apartment and being alone, especially when my roommate is usually staked out on the couch with her bf, it pisses me off. and the loneliness sets in.

and weekends. i'd like to fill them up with social time and activities, but look at what i did this weekend: one brunch with lauren, pedicure saturday afternoon, and some online shopping. the rest of the time: hanging out with matt or alone.

does this make me needy? maybe so. but at least i'm honest with myself about my feelings. i like company. i don't like being alone. i miss living with my best friend.