i wish..

sometimes i wish i was more personable, more self confident, had better timing and also maybe got good things just handed to me.

i mean, when will it be my turn?

today was a tough day. for no particular reason.

i have a particular soft spot n my life that bothers me daily. i can't get over it, i don't know if i ever will. i have a compulsion that everything needs to be perfect. perfect friendships, perfect love life, perfect job, perfect home. i just can't seem to accept things as they are. i can have four out of five, 99.9% perfection and it would not satisfy.

but the truth of the matter is 99.9% is no more achieveable than 100%. both are impossible. perfection would include an editor position at a national magazine with an expense account, a penthouse apartment in downtown manhattan and a puppy. i crave all these things, and i covet them. i see others who have half of what i want, who are happy in places i am not, and i'm jealous.

if i work hard enough at what i'm doing, i truly believe i will eventually get a dream apartment and maybe even a dog. but a dream job? but i just don't have the right timing or luck. days like today make me want to give up on those dreams. part of me feels like i already have.

it's amazing how one cranky mood, not enough sleep, low blood sugar and a headache could make me so upset. nothing else set me off. nothing. honestly. maybe its hormones.