this is what happens when i stop sleeping

i've been thinking about life and mortality and it's all reality tv's fault.

let me take a moment to be completely sappy and cliche: life is short and precious.

a lot of messed up things have happened in the past few weeks. a lot of good, happy, young people have died, senselessly, needlessly. beyond virginia tech, news of death, murder and accidents are all over the news. just last week a teenage boy was killed in brooklyn, mowed down while riding his bike by a speeding tow truck with a drunk driver.

i recently learned that a person featured on a reality show that i am sort of familiar with recently died, during the taping of the show's current season. he was a personal trainer, fit and in shape. he was alive during the season's first few shows, looking happy and healthy and celebrating his birthday. then, he got sick fast and within three episodes, was gone. after being sufficiently disturbed by the news of his death (also taking a moment to think that this may be a first for reality tv) i did a little research and learned that he had aids. ok, that makes me feel less vulnerable, but it doesn't make it any better.

now comes the really morbid thoughts.

i have recently begun to really focus on my body, my health and my weight (again). i know that if i want to remain within a certain weight range and body shape, there will never be a point in my life when i'm not exercising, dieting or, at the very least, watching what i eat. that means avoiding all the things i love: sugar, full fat dairy products, baked goods, french fries.

and after all the fighting and good behavior what will i have to show? i'll be healthier by normal standards, and skinnier than i would be if i let it all go to hell, but i will never look the way i want to look and live the way i wish i could live. i don't want to deprive myself and i want to be 100 pounds...two things that i know i'll never be able to achieve.

and after all of this exercising and dieting, i could still have genetic heart disease (as i'm sure i do) and have a heart attack and die. or a stroke. or get cancer (also in my genes). or get hit my car or blown up in the subway or shot while walking down the street. or a piano could fall on my head. right now, the only way i am probably not going to die is in a car accident, since i very rarely ride in cars. but now that i said that wouldn't it be ironic if i went that way?

that is the worst part about life. it could all end tomorrow for no reason at all. and what would i have to show for it? what would people say about me? should i keep living a "healthy" life to look and feel the way i want to while i'm alive or throw in the towel so will have no regrets should i die tomorrow?

because if i was to pack it all in tomorrow, no matter what i do from here on in, i know i would look back and say "i should have eaten more ice cream."