maybe its time to choose a new profession

why does it bother me so much that my boyfriend might be hiring a new reporter at the magazine where i used to work?

i have acknowledged that i should not be as bitter as i am to my old employer, but i just can't shake the way they treated me. no amount of time passing will change that. if i had gone on to work at a magazine which had been my goal since my 16th birthday, perhaps i wouldn't be so sore. but the truth of the matter is, i settled for a job (without knowing it) when i went to work for forbes, and i settled when i left (because i really had no choice).

and now, after years of achievement, ambition, education and career-related work experience, i work for a newswire, hoping that eventually i'll get to where i want to be.

and...some college undergrad could be offered up a reporter slot at forbes, with a starting salary higher than mine right now, before he/she even graduates, with possibly less experience than i had when i left school.

no matter what i achieve from here on in there will still be the very real truth:

hadley pollet didn't want to hire me full time.
boston magazine did not want to hire me full time.
forbes magazine did not want to hire me as a reporter.
all the places i sent my resume to this summer were not interested in me.

i could work at my current job for years and be successful and appreciated. but i won't be happy.

and being a reporter at forbes maybe wouldn't have made me happy in the long run, either. but it would have made me feel better about myself in the short term at the very, very least.

this summer i knew i wanted to be a reporter. i knew i could settle for nothing less. now i am back to square one. i know i can do my job. writing comes to me easily, but that doesn't mean that i'm good at it, or that anyone will pay me to do it, let alone to write about something that i am interested in.

now...i'm not sure of anything. i'm sick of seeing people i know and don't know succeed so effortlessly and it makes me think: if this is so difficult for me, maybe i should be looking for another way to spend 90% of my time.