coming clean

i was supposed to have surgery today. it was all scheduled and i had pysched myself out and i was almost excited about the prospect. then it fell through, because of my insurance. if i want this surgery, i have to find a new doctor, and have it done in nyc, or else it won't be covered, and i'll have to pay thousands of dollars out of pocket.

just so you know, this was no elective surgery like rhinoplasty or something like that. without going into too much detail, i'm pretty sure i have this. the reason i'm only pretty sure of this and not absolutely certain is because one of the only ways to diagnose it is surgery. so after years of treating this phantom illness, that was what i was going to do. i was finally going to know what is wrong with me.

but its not happening, obviously, because i am sitting here typing this when i should be home at my parents' house recovering and hopped on pain killers.

i have a new doctor, but guess what? you can't just walk into a doctor's office and request that they operate on you just because some other doctor who has been treating you for years was about to slice you open. its especially hard when you have a type of problem that just doesn't show up on tests. so my new doctor has given me a new plan, and it doesn't involve a scalpel. i'm excited about the change, but fearful that it won't change much at all, and i'll find myself in more pain more often.

a lot of women go through life not knowing how painful menstrual cramps can be. and i don't think men can ever come close to understanding. but what i have, i believe, is much worse than what a normal woman feels for a few days every month. my pain comes at random times. sometimes it starts weeks before my period and lasts for days straight. and recently, the pain has been so intense i have trouble getting out of bed, i have to take three advil at a time, several times a day, to deal with it, and i have trouble sleeping.

and the thing about pain is, it alters you life in ways that you don't even realize. if i stub my toe, which i do a lot, it doesn't hurt as much as it used to. the other pain that i feel dulls the rest. when i'm feeling crummy i get angry at everyone, including annoying pharmacists, people on the subway, coworkers and my boyfriend. the pain gives me crazy mood swings, so i feel depressed, sick and tired more often than i should. and the hormone therapy i'm on to treat this gives me hot flashes and makes me hold weight.

so now you know. i'm going to be dealing with a lot in the next few months, as i try a new this new plan, lets just call it. so that may be reflected here, and i wanted to give you all a heads up.

just so you are aware, this is really hard for me to discuss with you. i am essentially putting my private business out on display. i debated whether or not to share what was going on, but then i read this post on one of the blogs i read daily. although i am not comparing my situation to a miscarriage, the candor of a woman that i have never met in real life made me want to open up in the hopes that venting would help me deal with my own health problems. i generally just like to pretend like nothing is wrong with me, so it takes a lot for me to openly, publicly, disclose that i have a physically debilitating problem and no one is really 100% sure what it is.

i hope you will understand that what i am embarking on is unknown and scary. i hope you will be there for me when i need to cry, and understand if i disappear for awhile if i need to concentrate on taking care of myself. i have a problem with doing what is right for myself, eating right and not pushing myself to hard at work, at the gym or in life. i have only begun to admit to myself that i need to take extra special care of myself because everything is not fine. now i have told you about it, too.