having a freak out

ever have one of those days? after a restless night, i woke up this morning half thinking it was friday. then after i wrapped my head around the fact that it was thursday and i had two whole days of work left before the glorious weekend, i started freaking out.

today's freak out has been about money. as i have been just starting to look for a new apartment i realize that very soon i could be paying double what i currently pay in rent. plus more bills, and all that other crazy stuff.

of course there seems like a very simple solution to this dilemma. don't move! move somewhere cheap! find a new roommate! don't buy a dog (if you can)! but you see, that would all defeat the purpose.

i want my own space, so roommate is out. moving somewhere cheap is probably also out of the question, unless i give in to living somewhere that i'm unfamiliar with, or head back to scary crown heights. no thank you! and since i've already committed to moving, and have people relying on me, and have already started getting exciting myself, it looks like i'm heading down a roller coaster hill with no brakes.

i hate that feeling.

taking a deep breath and stepping back, i told myself i would just cut corners. i've already started subbing $1 coffee cart coffee for my $4 double tall starbucks cappuccinos in the morning, and i hope to cook more for myself once i have my own place with a decent kitchen.

but i'm still bothered. and it doesn't help that last night the stupid tax prep software told me i owed $1700 to the government (the irs hates me by the way) and then today i blew through more than $80 (including a $22 filter to hopefully fix my broken vacuum and clean my apartment and $43 for a new battery to hopefully fix my stupid cell phone).

and cutting corners means no more travel, no more shopping sprees, no more $100 pairs of boots and $10 glasses of wine. when i think about it, i would rather live with a roommate or foresake having a dog if it means i could keep at least some of those things i have started to really enjoy in life, like spending $50 on a night out with the girls or $15 for snacks at the movies without blinking an eye, and splurging on the occassional taxi.

of course, all this anxiety is increased by the fact that a friend is visiting this weekend and we'll most likely blow through cash that i otherwise wouldn't think twice before spending. then next week i head to san francisco for more dining, imbibing and mindless consumerism.

don't get me wrong, these are all things i love to do. i do not mind spending money on them, and in fact i can't think of anything better i would want to spend my money on. i'm just sorry that i don't have unlimited resources. where is that trust fund when you need it?

and when it comes time to get an apartment, maybe i will have to settle for something more affordable that isn't 100% perfect.

oh well. let me go spend $20 on an after-work drink to calm my nerves. maybe it will forget how much expendible income i need to maintain my semi-cushy life in this expensive city.