anxiety

i have an anxiety problem. my doubts and worries about everything i do causes me to second guess myself, and also drives me to seek perfection. if everything i do is perfect, then there is nothing to worry about, i rationalize.

but as we all know, perfection is impossible, so i am stuck worrying, worrying.

my stressing bothers me, it interferes with my life. and it's slightly crazy. (ok, maybe more than slightly)

last night, while pondering something completely ridiculous and work-related, i had an epiphany. just let it go. stop worrying so much. stop caring so much. i felt very zen.

then i woke up at 3:45 am completely frazzled again. i can't explain it. there are just some things that are beyond my control. i don't know what i fear will happen if things go wrong, but my stomach gets tied in knots and my heart just sinks and i know...an anxiety attack is coming.

when i say anxiety attack, i don't mean it in the sense that you may think. there are no paper bags, no freak outs. just a general sense of dread and a feeling that i can't calm down.

when i started this job, i was frazzled all the time. i couldn't sleep and when i did i had nonstop dreams about reporting about lawsuits. my colleagues assured me this was normal.

after a over half a year on the job, i'm back to worrying again. i hate it and i wish it would stop. but its not going to stop. i'm just going to have to learn to deal. i think its killing me slowly, i'm certain i'm going to have a heart attack one of these days. or at the very least, i'm going to go prematurely gray.

short of seeking professional help, what is a girl to do?