a feeling of impending doom

i can feel it coming...and if i don't watch out i will find myself stuck in a unshakable funk.

all at once, the stars are aligning. but not in a good way. right at this moment, it feels like every part of my life is slowly falling apart. family, work, apartment, boyfriend...nothing is stable, i'm upset with everything right now.

its summer. i should be happy, carefree, sunburned and giddy. but instead i feel myself being dragged back to the doldrums of the awful experience that was last summer.

but hopefully, i won't get that low again. i must admit, i'm not nearly as unhappy at work as i was last year, and i'm not ready to pick up and leave my apartment just yet (like i did this time last year). but now i have the added stress of an ailing grandmother; a stressed out, overworked boyfriend; and a roommate with a constant rotating door of visitors crashing on my coush and using my toothpaste.

i'm seriously worried about my mood, productivity and outlook. i feel like i'm being pulled in a thousand different directions by a thousand different forces and emotions. my natural response is to withdraw. the more i withdraw, the more i stop doing things that life my mood, like going out with friends, going to the gym, or simply sitting in the living room instead of wallowing in bed.

i have already started to have trouble sleeping. again. but this time is different. friday night i woke up around 4, i'm not sure what woke me up. but i was restless. i finally drifted off to sleep again around 6. i slept fitfully for the next few hours. i had nightmares. i remember two of them, but they are too ridiculous to recount here. three times i woke up gasping, after dreaming that i was choking to death.

this is not good. i am taking this as a sign. something seriously f'ed up is going to happen to me. sometime soon. i feel like the happiness i have been feeling for the past few months is reaching its tipping point and will now start its inevitable decline.

i'm trying to avoid this. i went home on saturday, and i slept fine that night. i'm planning to go back there next weekend. its good, recupretative time for me. i feel healthy there, for once in my life. when everything else falls apart, there's always home.