when does it stop hurting?

for better or worse, i seem to have maintained, or recently renewed, friendly relationships with my exes. i speak to them more often than other friends of mine. i know where they are in life, what their new jobs are, what they do on weekends sometimes. this is more than i know about so-called best friends from college!

is this pathetic or unhealthy or both? or neither? how many women do this? why do i do this?

the manipulative bitch in me thinks i keep these ties to wield power and control where i no longer have it. this explanation for my actions is supported by my yo-yoing on and off relationship with ex #1. motto for that part of me: if they still need to talk to me, they still need me, even in a small way.

the sensitive loner who always thinks that no one likes me thinks that i need to maintain a connection to people i once felt the closest to in the world to remind myself that these relationships are possible and real. i also think that i would never consiously end a relationship, i don't think i have enough friends in life, nor could i ever have enough. motto for that part of me: never burn bridges!

the lover in me thinks that i keep these people close to me because i cared about them once, and those feelings never go too far away...

but let's take a look at my life. i'm happy and satisifed, more that i've been in a long time. why do i still feel the need to collect these former beaus, to hold them so near and dear? in the past these relationships have threatened current relationships. my only solace is that i have managed to strike a balance that has currently allowed me to speak to my exes as often as i like while still remaining close and loyal to my boyfriend.

ok ok so enough of all that introspective stuff. all these thoughts were brought about my a revelation i milked out of one of the exes. regarding sleeping with another girl. someone i know, and don't have a very high opinion of, and something that i predicted of course.

so what did i feel? a twinge of jealousy, sadness, longing. i got all hot and sweaty, like i do when i get upset. but my head remained clear, my eyes dry. i was ok. i was relieved. so i'm sad, and i'm sorry i can't keep my hooks in every man i ever want, but i have moved on and grown up.

yet sadly, i have to admit, myself and the whole wide world, it will never ever ever stop hurting. dumper or dumpee, i am still protective and selfish with my loves. that part of me will never grow up.

thinking back, this is the way i've felt with past exes when learning the same knowledge. whether i was dumped or the dumpee, eventually it all comes back to this. and although i am ok with this feeling, and think it is the adult way to react, it still leaves me feeling slightly...empty.

but it has never prevented me from moving on and falling in love again. despite how hard it is for me to get over a past love, i find it very easy to fall in love and give my heart. maybe i wear it on my sleeve a little.

so i reflect on what i have and what i have before me. my current happy life and relationship. i don't need to pine for these old flames, and the truth is i no longer do. i'm sad those relationships have ended, but i truly believe it was for the best, and things happen for a reason.

i spoke with one ex while writing this post. this is how our conversation went:

him: i am looking at jeeps right now
me: jeeps? since when do you like suvs?
him: you think you still know me?
me: guess not
him: it's not like i know who you are. as far as either of us is concerned, we are both ghosts