you make me feel less crazy...

i had a very introspective day today. i spent most of the day alone, and thinking. i got a little pissed at matt last night, and i cheered myself up today by listening to sarah mclachlan's song push a few times.

i'm not normally a big music fan, but i like to listen to certain songs when the mood strikes me. sarah is a particular favorite of mine. when i went through my college break up i listened to one of her cds nonstop in my car. it was like therapy. kind of like my bridget jones's diary dvd.

most sarah mclachlan songs are sad. but push is actually positive. its the story of a man who is always there for his wife/girlfriend. sometimes she picks fights and pushes him to see if he'll fight back, but he gracefully bows out and is just the perfect man.

despite being alone and being upset with matt today, i needed to hear this song. i needed to remember how much he means to me.

here's what happened: i was out last night with coworkers, having an amazing, fun, drunken, eye opening time. matt and i had made plans to see each other later, after he got home from an interview with a billionaire uptown. i checked my phone around 8:30 to find four missed calls...from matt. then i get another call from him -- interview postponed, he had to get on a flight the next morning to fly to la, then take a red eye home the next day.

what was i to do? leave my coworkers and rush to matt's apartment to spend time with him before he had to leave and waste the weekend. i ended up getting there around 10:30, hungry, slightly drunk and near tears. i felt like i had lost control over when i got to see my boyfriend. his job was dictating our lives...again.

did i ever have control?

it took me back to those long lonely summer nights and weekends that i would have loved to have spent with matt. it reminded me of the day last september when i was too sick to go to work, but matt went in to work and left me home alone all day, unable to move, leave, or do anything.

after watching the previous night's office ep and eating some mac and cheese i was still not feeling better. i was pouting in bed, unable to fall asleep. so i told him what was up. he didn't understand..this is not about his job, it was about how his weird work schedule made me feel helpless.

i don't mind his job, it ones of the reasons i fell in love with him. i admire his curiousity, creativity and enthusiasm. i understand he was living this lifestyle before he met me, but i still think i should come first now. especially now as our one year anniversary approaches.

to his credit, he heard me out. listened through my sobs...but he just can't understand. he doesn't see it as i see it. i don't know what i want from him, what i want him to do, but i feel like something has to change. i need him to make some sacrifices for me, a trade off for me constantly planning my life around him and his free time.

after a lonely day wandering around brooklyn and manhattan, meeting friends for dinner, i'm back at matt's, because he wanted me to be here when he got home this morning. i'm such a sucker for that.

i'm hoping we'll reach some sort of agreement on the subject. i'm hoping he'll come home and have thought about my words. i know he is good for me, and i want this to work with all my heart.

like the song says, he makes me feel less crazy, which is what i need to get me through the day...