searching for something better than this

ok, i'm just going to put it out there. i haven't been the happiest lately. not sure what is wrong exactly, but i've been very depressed.

i'm going to place the majority of the blame on my lack of excitement about my job and apartment, and the pressures of searching for a new one of both. i feel fairly certain that once i have at least one of those things squared away i'll perk up. at the very least i'll have something new to focus on.

whatever the reason, it is putting huge pressure on my relationships. specifically friendships and my still-in-the-early-stages relationship with matt. we're just coming out of the i-want-to-spend-every-moment-with-you cocoon of love stage, so that coupled with the stresses that are in both our lives right now is putting a huge strain on our relationship. and then i go and practically move in with him. it's been very hard and tense between us lately.

it all came to a head last night. i had to drive back to stamford to check on the cats while my parents are out of town. i drove from brooklyn back to manhattan to pick him up from work. he was at a bar toasting the interns' departure, and so he was mildly drunk (can't hold his liquor anymore...party boy my ass!) and he was in an instant bad mood from the moment he stepped into the car. i mentioned how i was bummed about not being able to find an apartment yet...and he started copping an attitude with me. normally he is a sweet and patient guy, and this personality change with him was really disturbing. it reminded me of a past boyfriend. so i lost it.

and we had one of our first big fights. ever. we haven't really had a blow out like that before. i think it was building up, and now its exploded, so we can move past it. we aired all our issues. i can't believe it happened in the car on the west side highway, but at least in the end we could just walk away and leave it all there...in the car.

by the time we got to westchester and i pulled into a rest stop so drinkie could pee, the mood was less tense. i guess we made up. despite whatever we said to each other, i know its just a phase in our relationship and we'll get past it. once i'm in a better place literally it will put me in a better emotional state. and once rich list is over he'll be able to spend more time with me and give me his full attention. i know he would rather be working on this project 24/7, and when he comes home and i'm there he feels like he has to go into happy boyfriend mode. in truth don't mind how he acts, as long as he's not mean. But we haven't been together long enough to have that comfort level yet. we're fine sitting there on the couch together just not saying a word when neither one of us has something hanging over our heads. but when our minds are in other (not fun) places, we have trouble.

i don't think this recent spat is indicative of our relationship as a whole. i'm so happy with him, in ways i've never been with any one else before. we're really not normally this drama-filled. i hate that we're like this right now! after that list closes on september 15, my life, and our relationship, will improve 100%. and then we'll go on vacation to celebrate.

two months until we set sail...