surprisingly upbeat

i listened to natasha beddingfield's "unwritten" (the theme to the "the hills") three times today on my way to work. i needed a pick me up and it helped. i worry a lot. i look on the negative side of things a lot. i know i can be uptight. that all needs to stop. can i be completely optimistic? can i be laid back? i'm trying.

thinking about this all made me think of someone i met years ago, who really had a profound impact on me, especially in the limited capacity that we interacted. his name was matt, as like many other men who have been/are important to me.

i met this matt on valentine's day 2004 (i'm struggling with this. i thought it was 2003, but i couldn't have been that long ago). a few of my friends and i found ourselves without dates on valentine's day and went to a hole in the wall bar on newbury st. the place was famous for letting in underage girls, as my friends were at the time. at the end of the night, i was the only moderately sober one, and was trying to wrangle the rest out of the bar and into a cab. some older guys saw the annoyance in my eyes and tried to talk to me. i, of course, tried to blow them off, but i didn't have much luck after jennifer came over and started chatting them up. there were three of them and five of us. we went back to one of their apartments, which was a few blocks from the bar. they let erin order dominoes and they paid. one of them passed out in bed (the one that wanted to make out with jennifer i think). matt took a liking to me and we chatted. after we got our pizza and cheesy bread and devoured it, we headed for the door, but not before matt got my number. he was in his late 20's, lived in nyc and seemed to have it all together.

he called me a few times, and came up to boston during marathon weekend. he took me to a red sox/yankees game. he gave me a ball he had caught during batting practice, and we stood on the green monster (he was childhood friends with a security guard who gave us access) drinking those super strong daiquiris they have at fenway. it was a great date.

but it wasn't the date that made me think of his this morning. it was our conversations, on the phone and through email, that followed. he would call me every once in a while and he was so inspiring, so optimistic. i was so much younger than him but he believed in my talent and my abilities. he told me i was going to go far and that i needed to keep my chin up. i've heard that from my family all my life, but when a stranger tells you that, it sticks. the newest matt in my life tells me that often, and i need to listen to him more. i appreciate it more than i show, i think.

2004 was a really hard time for me, especially the second semester of my junior year. my grandmother passed away at the end of january, which really affected me emotionally, mentally and spiritually. i was super busy with wtbu and really hard classes and on the verge of losing my scholarship (which i eventually did). to make matters worse, my relationship with my high school boyfriend had all but deteriorated that winter and spring, and because of that i lost a major pillar of strength in my life. i started to put the pieces back together in april, when i admitted to myself that i was depressed, sought counseling, cut my hair and eventually started a new relationship. but valentine's day/nyc matt was important to my growth in spirit and attitude, and i will always think of him when i'm low.

we stopped talking for a while at the end of 2004/beginning of 2005, while we both did other relationship things. i called him when i was in town for a trade show with my old job and we went to dinner about a year after we first met. he called me fanatically for a few days after that, which was a little oppressive. i didn't see things progressing with us, so after a while i stopped answering the phone or returning his messages. that may have been a lame way out, but sometimes that's just the way things are. at the very least i have nothing but kind words and fond memories, and i hope he feels the same.