another sleepless night

so last night i didn't have a problem sleeping the whole night through. at least until the sun started pouring through the windows with no curtains on them. but tonight, in a pitch black apartment, i woke up at 3, worried about my apartment. i was worried about whether or not carly can handle the groceries when they arrive tomorrow. if i'm so worried i should just go home midday to meet the guy! then i started worrying about my computer and the internet. i have misplaced my external wireless card, and carly set up her wireless router which for some odd reason doesn't have a place to plug in an ethernet cord. i guess i'll have to buy another external wireless card, then. why are things so complicated?

so i have now been awake for over an hour and a half. i tried everything to go back to sleep, but i can't calm my restless mind. i worry most about my job, and how i'm so unhappy, and how its not going to change unless i make it, and how i should be writing more but i'm trying and things are just not working out for me. i think maybe, hopefully, i'll get back into the swing of things once this dog story gets published...i want to start working on it this weekend, but without any internet connection, i can't relay the story from my computer to work. maybe i'll steal this one from matt for a day...

so i'm thinking it might be time to see a doctor about a prescribed sleep aid. or maybe take something before going to sleep like tylenol pm. the thing is, i'm always exhausted when i fall asleep (you would be too if you were up 2-3 hours in the middle of every night) but then i wake up in the middle of the night, worrying and restless. its more a mental thing than anything else. i wake up in between rem cycles. this is not normal. maybe i should do more yoga. maybe i should quit my job...

i just need to do something. i can't live like this. i like to sleep. i don't like tossing and turning and being restless and worrying and not being able to turn on the light to read a book or magazine or turn on the tv, for fear of waking matt or bothering him. maybe i should start sleeping at my apartment more. maybe this is a sign.

needless to say, this lack of sleep is really not helping with my moods recently. i need more positive energy and focus than ever before, but the lack of sleep dulls me and washes me out. i'm cranky and depressed on a regular basis, and i have no doubt that its partly because i'm not getting enough sleep. take tonight for instance...i fell asleep a little before 12, like passed out. then i was up in 3 hours. if i follow my pattern, i'll probably fall asleep around 5 and wake up around 10, another 5 hours bringing the grand total to 8, which i guess is normal but getting there is anything but.

gone are the days where i could sleep for 10 hours uninterupted. maybe i should start drinking on a regular basis again.