success

i do this thing before i fall asleep. i need to think about what i want to dream about. sometimes i'm very proactive in my pre-dreams. i started out tonight thinking of everything i need to get accomplished in the next week. who i'll have to speak with and how many cover letters i'll have to write and what they'll say. this was pretty boring yet not putting me asleep at all, just getting me worked up.

so i tried another tack. since i'm all confused about my life and its direction at the moment, i came back to one of my life goals: to be on a reality show. of course the ultimate (for me at least) is real world. i began fantiszing about what my audition tape for real world would look like.

then i had a mini-epiphany. for too long i've believe that success is something that has to be measured by your career, by where you are in life. but success can be so much more. it can be measured by how happy you are, how meaningful your relationships are, and if you are happy where you are. i often take stock of all the positive things i have in my life. now is no different. true, my job pretty much sucks and is going no where, but that doesn't mean i'm a failure. my life exists outside of the office, beyond the 9-5. when i finally decide what i want to do, then i'll be closer to happiness, but to be honest i'm not that far off now.

and maybe i'm just cynical, but i don't think anyone ever is completely happy and satisifed with their life. so maybe i'm as close right now as i'll ever be.